A Mother's Love

I’ve been engaged in the preliminary aspects of my daughter’s college applications process. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful daughter, and  I’ll elaborate upon a mother’s love as I know it, but not before noting my present emotional state around my motherhood which is that I am struggling; struggling with this milestone in my daughter’s life that leads her further away from me. She has been the primary focus of my existence since her conception; about 18 years now. It is difficult for me to fathom my life redirected—much more difficult than it is for her to imagine her next step. It is an exciting time for her. It is a time when being her mother means embracing her exuberant leap toward independence while trying desperately to conceal my sorrow for the loss of my life’s purpose over nearly two decades. I suppose I should see it as just another completed project, and break out the balloons and whistles, but it is…just different, and while I know what my role and responsibility to her at this time are, it is a time peppered with bittersweet emotion that can move me from laughter to tears with no warning whatsoever as trailers of our lives flash through my mind.

It appears that it is not too early to claim a victory in that my daughter is a well-adjusted, thriving 17.3 year-old, rising high school senior with high ambitions scheduled for 5 out of 8 Advanced Placement courses in her senior year and with a primary goal of nothing other than learning. What is to question? What is not to love? To boot, she is a gifted technical vocalist (according to the state of Delaware) with not only a beautiful face, but a sensational sense of humor, and a keen knowledge that these are subjective to the opinion of the observer, with whom; she is not particularly concerned. Abigail, my daughter, is quite an amazing and intriguing individual.

I’ve heard many a pregnant mother talk about the innate love they have for their unborn child. I can’t speak to that. I only know that while I felt keenly responsible for the well-being of my unborn child, I definitely did not have the same love for her in the womb that I have for her now.  I did take great care of her even relinquishing caffeine as she was in utero and throughout her nursing year. I ate well. I was physically careful with myself as I carried and nursed her. Her well-being became my primary focus, and that has not changed to date, while my love for her has developed, grown, and deepened immeasurably with each passing year.

I’ve also known mothers who lived vicariously through their children. I’ve not done that. It has been of much greater interest to me to know who my daughter really is and to nurture all the she is intended to be. I’m comfortable that I’ve done that. I spent a great deal of time and energy exposing her to every sport including swimming, soccer, gymnastics, snow-skiing, tee-ball, baseball, field hockey, lacrosse, horseback riding, and tennis.

 I exposed her to the arts. Her first music class was at 12 months. She completed every level of Kindermusic  followed by choir from grade two to present.  Abigail is a placing state-wide competitive soprano I vocalist. She also has practiced karate, dance, piano, steel drums, musical theater, drama not to mention bass guitar and, most recently, ukulele-- both purely self-imposed.  Abi has auditioned and won community theater roles as well as professional voice-over and film work. She has done various forms of fine arts including drawing, painting, and sculpting, clay and pottery making.  She’s knitted, crocheted, sewn, and made quilts. She’s been exposed to all genres of writing, and won district-wide writing awards as early as third grade.  Most of all, Abigail has been an avid reader with an affinity for fantasy, and she has excelled at languages with an emphasis on English and French from age three. Yet, Abigail mostly loves science, and her love of science drove her to math.

Not only has Abigail been exposed to an array of sports, arts, and academics, but she also was exposed to a rigid schedule of Christian education from birth through grade 8, and Girl Scouting from Kindergarten through grade 6. She knows the Bible stories (both Testaments,) and she can survive in the woods over the weekend in about any weather orienting herself along the way and navigating back to civilization. She has traveled enough of the U.S. and Europe to know that landscapes, time zones, seasons, climates, languages, and cultures vary, and that people are really just people anywhere she goes, and she has a great deal of respect and reverence for diversity.

As my daughter completes her summer AP work, pursues her college applications process, and anticipates the rigors of her senior year that she has planned, I have no doubts about her preparedness for this next phase of her life, yet I don’t even know how I feel about my own. I do know that to date I’ve upheld my definition of motherhood, and I do know that it includes a love that is different from all other forms of love. There is nothing quite like it, and I’m not so sure that there is enough of me to have done multiples so it is probably a wise decision that I limited myself to just one daughter for she is most certainly sufficient.